The Lover After Me
by Synnerxx
Summary: Jack isn't dealing very well with the breakup between him and Will.


**Pairing: Past Will/Jack**

**Warnings: Slash, angst**

**Author's Notes: This took me forever to finish, though I don't know why. I never had writers' block on it. Oh well, it's done now. Review, loves! The song in italics is _The Lover After Me_ by Savage Garden.  
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**Prompt: Lost you forever at 30_angsts  
**

* * *

_Here I go again_

_I promised myself_

_I wouldn't think of you today_

_It's been seven months and counting_

_You've moved on_

_I still feel exactly the same_

Jack sighed, glancing at the calender on his wall. Today was the anniversary of his and Will's break up, seven months to the day. He had moped around his apartment, ignoring the ringing telephone, Karen yelling through his door, and Grace coming over with ice cream. Nothing was going to cheer him up today. Will hadn't been home all day either. Jack knew he had some date tonight and that hurt. It hurt that Will wasn't sitting at home, dressed in sweats, eating chocolate ice cream and mourning the loss of the greatest relationship he's ever had. Hell, he had barely seen Will at all this week. They hardly ever hung out anymore and Will never seemed to have any time for him when he tried to spend time with him. He was always claiming to be busy with work or he was going out or whatever the excuse was this time.

He had tried to get over Will in the beginning. He had gone out to bars, clubs, brought home different men, but in the end it was always Will that he wanted, curled up with him at night. Will had gotten over him pretty quickly, it seemed, not three months after their relationship had ended did Will have another boyfriend and this one seemed like he was staying. Then again, Jack had believed that they would be together forever, but it turned out that he was just a lovesick fool.

_It's just that everywhere I go  
All the buildings know your name like  
Photographs and memories of love  
Steel and granite reminders  
The city calls your name and I can't move on _

Every place that Jack went reminded him of Will and the happier times they had spent together. Every restaurant, movie theater, club, gay bar, and even the park brought back the memories. The streets he walked along carried footprints of them walking together hand in hand. It seemed the whole city was trying to make him think of Will and all he had lost when Will broke up with him. He wondered if it ever felt that way for Will. He wondered if Will thought about their first kiss on the streets of New York when he walked the rain slicked sidewalk. He wondered if Will remembered their first date in that fancy Italian place that Jack couldn't pronounce the name of. He doubted it. After all, he had moved on. He had someone new to make those memories with and erase the old ones, scattering the pictures all along the floor carelessly.

There wasn't any place that Jack could go that didn't hold memories of love and affection between him and Will. It broke his heart to think that Will had someone else to make them with now and that the old ones were forgotten so easily. Nothing Jack did helped ease the pain. He wished desperately that he could move on, but the city called Will's name out to him, haunting him everyday and it just hurt too much. There was just too much pain and not enough time to heal it. There never would be enough time to heal the scars across his heart.

_Ever since you've been gone_

_The lights go out the same_

_The only difference is_

_You call another name_

_To your love_

_To your lover now_

_To your love_

_The lover after me_

Jack knew in his head that everything was the same as it had been before. The lights still went out the same, the sun still set in the west and rose in the east, the moon still controlled the tides, and winter turned to spring and spring to summer and summer to fall and fall to winter and so on, but everything felt different to his heart. Will wasn't there with him, enjoying it as he should have been. Instead he was with someone else, calling their name, not Jack's. It was painful and it shattered Jack's heart even more when he thought about it. There was nothing he could do except put on a happy face and hide his misery from everyone. He hadn't counted on the fact that Will would find a lover after him.

He also hadn't counted on the fact that they would ever break up in the first place, but he supposed that all good things have to come to an end. Too bad forever really didn't last for forever. Their time together had been too short, but everything was too short when you had waited for your forever and then it ended.

_Am I all alone in the universe?_

_There's no love on these streets_

_I have given mine away _

_To a world that didn't want it anyway_

Jack walked the lonely streets, miserable and forgotten. There wasn't any love left for him here. Not even his own. He had given it away to Will, but it turned out that Will didn't want it anyway. There wasn't any love in the arms of every man he chased, trying to forget the feelings of Will's skin against his, Will's hands trailing over his body, Will's mouth on his own and at the same, losing himself in the memories as other men touched and kissed him. There was no escaping it. He was in love and always would be.

A love unrequited was a lonely affair indeed. Sure, he could lose himself in the arms of someone else, but it was meaningless when the other person wasn't Will. They weren't the one that he had given his heart to. They weren't anything more than a quick release and a respite from his emotions for a little while anyway. It never lasted all that long.

_So this is my new freedom _

_It's funny_

_I don't remember being chained_

_Nothing seems to make sense anymore_

_Without you, I'm always twenty minutes late_

Sometimes, in the relationships Jack had had before he and Will got together, he had felt stifled, suffocated, and claustrophobic. It was never like that with Will though. He wondered if it had felt that way to Will. If Will was the one that wanted to escape him so much that he'd willingly thrown all of Jack's love away and took back his own to give it to someone else.

The sense of freedom and happiness that usually came to him after he got out of another relationship never came after he and Will broke up. He had never looked forward to getting out of his and Will's relationship the way he had others. In fact, it had been the very opposite. He liked being able to wake up each morning and have Will be there beside him. He didn't need a new face there every other day. He just needed Will, but not it was clear that Will didn't need him any more and perhaps never had. Everything was difficult nowadays. Even getting out of bed took an extreme effort. There wasn't anything to look forward to anymore with Will gone. Nothing he wanted anymore. Life didn't make sense anymore, not without Will. Nothing did anymore and he knew that it was his fault too. If only he had been a better boyfriend, then maybe Will wouldn't have left him.

_Ever since you've been gone_

_The lights go out the same_

_The only difference is_

_You call another name_

_To your love_

_To your lover now_

_To your love_

_The lover after me_

Will had told him that it wasn't any one thing that had led to him wanting to end things with Jack. It was just that he didn't feel the same intensity anymore and it wasn't fair to either of them for him to keep pretending that he did. His feelings had faded and he felt that that shouldn't happen when you're truly in love with someone and that's what had led to him wanting to end things between them. It wasn't Jack's fault, or so Will had told him. He was sure that there could have been something he could have dome differently to make Will's feelings burn with the same fire as they had in their first blissful months as a couple.

Now Will had someone new and Jack had lost any chance and all his hope that he might have had at getting Will back. The pain would always linger in his heart, but he pretended it didn't affect him anymore whenever someone asked how he was doing. He took Karen's advice and charged himself some happy on one of her endless supply of credit cards, but even two new outfits from Barney's hadn't taken his heartache away and he knew nothing ever would as long as Will was calling someone else's name.

_And time goes by so slowly_

_The nights are cold and lonely_

_I shouldn't be holding on_

_But I'm still holding on for you_

Time held no meaning for Jack anymore except to count the days, weeks, and months that he and Will had been apart. He didn't like crawling into bed at night, the sheets were cold and the blankets were lonely without Will holding him tightly. He knew he wasn't supposed to be pining after Will, but it wasn't easy to give up the best relationship in his entire life, so he held on to the hope that one day Will would come to his senses and take him back. He'd wait for forever if he had to.

His life was so empty without Will. They were still friends, of course, but nothing like how they used to be, even before they had gotten together. Everything was strained and awkward and it made Jack even more miserable now that it was clear to him that they couldn't even relate to each other anymore, even as friends. He'll keep holding on to his hope because it's all he's got left now.

_Here I go again_

_I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today_

_But I'm standing at your doorway_

_Calling out your name 'cause I can't move on_

Why couldn't he just move on when it was so obvious to him that Will had? Why did he have to be the one to pine and mope and need and want and not have? That wasn't like him. Usually he would have found someone new the very next night after the breakup, but never had he gone for months without so much as even entertaining the thought of going out and picking up some random guy in a bar or a club. There would never be another Will for him. He could never love anyone else and he didn't even want to try anymore. Not since he'd had a taste of what it was like being with Will.

He knew he needed to get over himself. There was nothing he could do to win Will's affections back and he knew it. He wished with all his heart that he could move on, but how could he? He was in love and always would be. He hates that saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" because no, it isn't. He'd rather have never fallen in love with Will if he knew he would lose him in the end. This pain is too much to take and it's breaking him slowly but surely.

_Ever since you've been gone_

_The lights go out the same_

_The only difference is_

_You call another name_

_To your love_

_To your lover now_

_To your love_

_The lover after me_

Some days are easier than others. Those are the ones when he doesn't have to interact with anyone. Some days are painful and make him want to curl up in bed and play his Cher CDs over and over again and never have to leave the safety of his bed, however empty it may be now. He knows this is stupid, this whole pining thing, but he can't just get over it magically. Now he finally understands how Grace felt after Nathan broke up with her and all she wanted to do was sleep and eat sweets.

Not even ice cream works it's usual magic of making him feel any better. After all, you can't put a band aid on a gun shot wound and expect it to heal. He just wants Will to mend his broken heart and love him once more, but Will's made it clear that he won't anymore. There's no chance of them ever getting back together and that hurts more than anything Jack has ever felt. He supposes that it's nothing less than what he deserves though, but he wishes it wouldn't hurt so much. He just wants to live again.


End file.
